Sunday, April 30, 2017

Not your typical romance

To go through a breakup can be both exhausting and attainable. Starting over is confusing and not ideal. So we make the pieces fit as best we can, even if the pieces are unwillingWith Valentine's day around the corner I find myself suffocated from all the "What to wear" looks and rest of the posts.  I debated myself on whether I should write about the guy who broke my heart or the one that tried to place me back together.

I used to think that I was unbreakable, that I was cold hearted and emotionless, that there was no way I could possibly love someone more than I loved myself. I was wrong. I failed at all of these beliefs when I allowed myself to be absorbed by the idea that I needed this person more than anything else.  To the point of thinking that life would be meaningless if we weren't together.

I saw this happened for months, fully aware of how I felt I did not pay much importance to what these feelings/thoughts/ideas would do to me if we were to end things. I didn't do anything to stop it. Maybe cause I never thought we would split apart. I kept pictures of both of us, they were beautiful photos of ugly moments. You saw this.

Later on I tried to move on, this time I didn't have any expectations. To play a true romantic lead in someone else’s script seemed unreachable, so I settled for a recurring role, a backup dancer hoping a lead would someday open up. I tried to keep my distance each time we were together, hoping he would acknowledge all my efforts.

I know now that at first I was so difficult to break in. I would come out so sweet and nice but later I'd be as cold and hard as stone. It was all my fault. So I decided to try, to really try, but I only watched you wonder whether you should hang onto me. I assumed accepting your instability was somehow the same, so I molded myself around it, tried to be more of what you needed. That's when I gave up pretending cliches don't apply to me. "I was never going to be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together".

It was then that I learned the difference between being an independent person and being a person who's accepting of loneliness. Coming into terms with who you are is like being accepting of your body. A person can spend decades chasing desirability, both in looks and in personality, but none of that matters if you're not looking to please anyone. It comes down to making a choice, whatever you don't decide others will decide for you.

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