
With Valentine's day around the corner I find myself suffocated from all the "What to wear" looks and rest of the posts. I debated myself on whether I should write about the guy who broke my heart or the one that tried to place me back together.
I used to think that I was unbreakable, that I was cold hearted and emotionless, that there was no way I could possibly love someone more than I loved me. I was wrong. I failed at all of these beliefs when I allowed myself to be absorbed by the idea that I needed this person more than anything else. To the point of thinking that life would be meaningless if we weren't together.
I saw this happened for months, fully aware of how I felt I did not pay much importance to what these feelings/thoughts/ideas would do to me if we were to end things. I didn't do anything to stop it. Maybe cause I never thought we would split apart. I kept pictures of both of us, they were beautiful photos of ugly moments. You saw this.
Later on I tried to move on, this time I didn't have any expectations. To play a true romantic lead in someone else’s script seemed unreachable, so I settled for a recurring role, a backup dancer hoping a lead would someday open up. I tried to keep my distance each time we were together, hoping he would acknowledge all my efforts.
I know now that at first I was so difficult to break in. I would come out so sweet and nice but later I'd be as cold and hard as stone. It was all my fault. So I decided to try, to really try, but I only watched you wonder whether you should hang onto me. I assumed accepting your instability was somehow the same, so I molded myself around it, tried to be more of what you needed. That's when I gave up pretending cliches don't apply to me. I was never going to be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together.
It was then that I learned the difference between being an independent person and being a person who's accepting of loneliness. Coming into terms with who you are is like being accepting of your body. A person can spend decades chasing desirability, both in looks and in personality, but none of that matters if you're not looking to please anyone. It comes down to making a choice, whatever you don't decide others will decide it for you.
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